Something I’ve experienced my whole life. There were points in my life where I had a decent number of friends, and for some reason, the number of friends I had was important growing up, 95% of the time I wasn’t invited somewhere. The other 5% was a mix between I was invited to go out, or I was the one making the plans–still am that person.
Sitting in a lunch room, in a classroom, on a trip, in my own living space, in front of my face, and I’ve always been the girl to just sit there and pretend like I didn’t hear anything. I never wanted to be annoying, and I still don’t, about asking if I could come with friends somewhere. Sometimes I think they just say yes to be nice. The re-occurring thought of, “If they didn’t ask you, they didn’t want you there in the first place,” runs through my mind every time.
I am always the girl who asks people if they want to come somewhere with me, even if they had plans during that day. I never want anyone to feel left out. I never want anyone to feel the way I’ve been feeling.
The few times that I am actually invited somewhere, I then think about all the stuff I have to complete during the day, and knowing me, being an introvert, I am not the one to usually spike up a conversation unless you’ve known me for awhile and I’ve warmed up to you. I know that I’ll just sit there, and not speak, and just listen to what’s around me, and soak in what is being talked about in a conversation and think of what to say and how to say it, and finally finding the right time to say something–because that’s what introverts do.
and don’t speak when we want to.
So half the time, I just say “I’m actually a little busy today, but thank you.” Sometimes I am truly busy. Most of the time I am not and don’t want to put in the effort to apply makeup and get ready. And that’s starting to become a routine.
Sometimes I have to force myself to be annoying and ask if I can come. I get the usual answer of, “Of course you can!” And my go-to answer is, “Oh okay, I just didn’t know if I was welcome or invited.” If that’s my go-to answer, that’s when you know you’re not realizing that you were even hurting me in the first place.
I get it. People have their niche. And I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s okay if one friend wants to do something with just one other friend. But it’s another thing where I’ve constantly been in a situation where I’m just sitting there looking super bored, and it’s that one person popping the question to a friend, doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. I just look away or smile at them when they walk away to play it off like it’s no big deal.
When in my head, it’s a big deal.
I guess I’ll always just be that girl.
And to the people who have in the past invited me somewhere, chances are that text made my day–the highlight of my day.
As we speak, I was just invited to go somewhere–surprisingly.
If you’re reading this, you’re one of the following: the same girl I am, someone who’s known me for awhile, or the person feeling guilty and realized that they were actually hurting me. To the girl who feels the same way: you’re not alone. I get it, and I’m always here to talk in the comments section. To the person who’s known me for awhile: chances are you already know this about me or maybe I haven’t expressed my feelings about it o you yet. To the person feeling guilty: now you know.